Adina Roth – Head of Jewish Life

The first Bar Mitzvah; a near-death experience
Parshat Vayeira

Did you know that the first ‘Bar Mitzvah’ in the world involved a near-death experience?  When we think of Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah today, we think of young people standing up to read from the Torah and recite a d’var torah. Granted the ages of 12/13 can be a semi-awkward time in  the life of a tween…your voice is breaking or you might feel self-conscious for a whole lot of reasons. Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah today might feel scary and might be a lot of hard work, but it isn’t something that one would call dangerous!

So what was this first ‘Bar Mitzvah’ experience, and what made it so dangerous?

In this weeks’ parsha, Vayeira, we read how Sarah and Avraham finally give birth to their son Yitzchak. Avraham already has a son, Yishmael with the maidservant Hagar, and so the family of one husband, two wives and two sons ‘settle’ into ancient family life. It’s a complicated family arrangement and it isn’t long before Sarah looks out and sees that the dynamic between Yishmael and Yitzchak isn’t very kosher. The word that is used in the Torah is metzachek – Yishmael is being ‘metzachek’ with Yitzchak. Coming from the root tzchok which is laughter, metzachek is translated as mocking. Seeing this, Sarah is filled with anger and tells Avraham to expel Hagar and Yishmael.

Mocking is not nice… or kind. But one might wonder why Sarah feels so strongly about what Yishmael was doing. Rashi, the 11^th century commentator from Provence elaborates by suggesting that  Yishmael took Yitzchak to the field and told him, ‘I am the firstborn, I will receive the double inheritance,’ and then shot at Yitzchak with his bow and arrow. Rashi’s explanation helps us understand what was going on between the two boys a little more. There was jealousy and competition. Yishmael was technically the elder of the two but his mother was the maidservant. Yitzchak may have been the younger, but his mother was the ‘main mama’, the more powerful wife. Yishmael feels that inferiority and he naturally wants to assert himself, he wants the rights of the firstborn, and he seeks to put his little brother down. Rabbi Shoshana Boyd Gelfand picks up on this jealous dynamic between the two brothers. She points out that metzachek is the exact same Hebrew shoresh/root as Yitzchak. She puts it succinctly when she says, Yishmael was Isaacing Isaac, trying to copy him, be him, occupy his place. 

 As it happens, Sarah will have none of this and after some struggle, Avraham sends Hagar and Yishmael away with little more than some bread and water.

The water runs out quickly and Yishmael and Hagar become weak. Yishmael is on the verge of death when his mother places him under a tree saying ‘I can’t bear to see the death of my child.’ She steps away and cries. It’s at this moment that an angel appears to Hagar and says to her, ‘Hagar, do not be afraid, come and give this child water for I will be making him into a great nation.’ Hagar suddenly sees things differently and a well of water appears before her. She gives water to her son and we read ‘Vayigdal hayeled- the lad grew up!’  We are then told that Yishmael and his mother lived in the desert, he became an archer and eventually, he got married.

It is the words ‘vayigdal, he grew up,’ that leads modern academic scholars to suggest that Yishmael’s experience in the desert was a kind of ancient, initiatory rite, a challenge that took him towards profound danger which he survived and   from this near death moment, he takes a massive leap towards growing up.  But there seems to be a deeper message than near death survival in the encounter with the angel.

Yishmael had been besieged by jealousy and comparison. He had wanted to ‘out-Isaac’ Isaac, to be him and better than him,  and he had lost who he was in the process. As harsh as it seems, perhaps Sarah realised that it wasn’t healthy for either of these boys to be in this competitive and comparative space.  But in the desert, the angel offers a profound message  regarding Yishmael. The message is quite literally, ‘you will be great!!’ There is a destiny…for you! You have your own story, your own life to live. In modern terms it was as if the angel was saying to Yishmael, ‘YOU DO YOU!’ Or, ‘be yourself!’

This is not dissimilar to what barmi and batti kids are grappling with, questions of identity, who am I, how do I shape up to the world around me, to my friends, to internal and external expectations?!

While we might be extremely grateful that our Jewish rituals do not require a near-death or dangerous experience of any kind, the deeper message Yishmael learned remains deeply relevant. He started off trying to be just like, or better than, his brother. And the story ends with him learning that it’s OK for him to be himself. And so Yishmael grows up, becomes an archer, lives in the wilderness of Paran, and eventually gets married.

A near death experience with a happily ever after, after-all!

Shabbat Shalom!